By the looks of it, I give zero shits about myself and virtually everything I’ve ever stood for. Somehow, I’ve managed to single out the least ambitious, least goal-oriented man I know, and fall in love with him. I keep telling myself it’s worth it – I’m still a kid in the eyes of the world, he’s still relatively young… things will work out. I hope.
It’s hard to tell the guy I’ve been pining over for however long (8 months and 23 days, not that I’m counting) that he needs to stop being a lazy fuck and start being a productive member of society. It’s hard to tell someone to stop being so dependent on the people around him, especially when I live off of my parents’ money, myself. It’s hard to tell someone that doesn’t have the money for college to get an education and make something of his life, when I’ve never had to worry about paying bills a day in my life. It’s hard to tell someone that’s 8 years older than you that they can’t live their life a certain way. It’s hard to tell someone that you’ve only been dating for less than a year that there’s no way in hell this can keep doing if he has no intention to get his life together.
I understand him not wanting to do a whole lot right now – there are some things going on in his life that I know I wouldn’t be able to cope with very well, if I were in his shoes. But how long are you going to keep making excuses for yourself? Does it not bother you that you’ve been on this Earth for twenty-six years and have so little to show for it? He’s a smart guy. So clever, so funny, and I know he can be dedicated. But me adoring the fuck outta him won’t put food on the table. Living at school, literally everything I do is somehow contributing to my future. My head is constantly wrapped around some bullshit assignment I need to complete or how I’m going to pencil in studying for some exam, between looking for a shitty part-time job and going to the gym. I can say with confidence that I fucking hate not being able to do anything but focus on school, and to think that, in three years, I’ll finish only to go straight to law school (hopefully) makes me want to cry a little. Okay, it makes me want to cry a lot. But shit, I’ve gotta do what I’ve gotta do. As much as I’d like to live off of his love, girl’s gotta make money. He’s firmly decided that he does not want to go to post secondary. Fine, so what do you want to do? He wants to travel. Yet, you aren’t working to make the money to do so. He plans to join the Air Force. So…when will you be getting around to doing that? He wants to be with me. So borrow the money to get your fucking passport and come over here. There’s only so much of my mother’s money I can spend to go see him or to pay for him to come here. She’s already breaking her back trying to pay off this mortgage. Whatever money I do manage to make while being a full time student will have to go to taking care of all this fucking debt I’m in.
He’s most definitely not sitting at home, talking to me – I spend too much of my time trying to decide between sending him a message or sparing myself the heartache from being constantly ignored – I wouldn’t want to interrupt his busy schedule of watching TV and doing nothing. If he can’t work for himself, for his own livelihood, or his family, how can I ever expect him to step up for me? For our future? I don’t expect him to have his whole life figured out. Really, I don’t. I do, however, expect him to want something out of life. I need him to want something badly enough to actually put some sort of effort into making it happen. Clearly, I’m not that something. I don’t need to be. But, if not for me, and not for himself, then for what?